So, one of my good friends suggested posting my query letter up on my blog, so you, my other writerly friends, could cast a glance over it and tell me what egregious errors I've committed to receive so many, and such quick, rejections.
Just ... be gentle in your critique, please? I'm feeling a little sensitive about my writing right now
Dear [Agent],In a land of fairy-tale conventions, Tesni has never quite fit. As an Eldest-Sister-of-Three, she can’t bring herself to hate her rabbity youngest sister Elain, nor does she have any desire to marry the sniveling Prince Aled. She plays her part dutifully, even knowing that she will be banished or killed for it in the end, for her love for family and home outweighs her desire for her own happy ending. When plans go awry, Tesni breaks tradition to embark on a dangerous and possibly deadly quest for Elain’s freedom. From the depths of the Underworld to the magical Fair Folk realm, the journey causes her to learn who she truly is.How Tesni realizes that there are worse things than death, and decides if she is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for her sister’s happiness, furnishes the story line in my 70,000 word young adult fantasy The Eldest Sister. Featuring a strong and conflicted female protagonist and a plot which layers themes of sacrifice and undeserved grace under its playful premise, The Eldest Sister is likely to appeal to readers of such authors as Lloyd Alexander, Shannon Hale, and Robin McKinley.I attended the State University of NY at Canton, and the State University of NY at Potsdam from 2002-2004, and I have had two short stories and two poems published in Grasse Roots, SUNY Canton’s literary magazine.Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.Sincerely,
Louise Bates
There you are, friends. Have at it (gently).
Maybe this agent prefers other genres? Because I don't see anything wrong with your summary...
ReplyDeleteWhen you went to college, did you major (or whatever the correct term for it is) in English, writing, etc? If you did focus on that area in school I would definitely mention that.
These are just suggestions to make your letter forceful. There should be more details of the plot.
ReplyDeleteYes, the agent read your proposal. Over half the time you just would have had no response at all from an agent.
As an Eldest-Sister-of-Three, Tesni has never fit. She has no desire to marry the sniveling Prince Aled, even knowing she will be banished or killed for it.
Tesni further breaks with tradition to embark on a deadly quest to save her sister, Elain. Travelling between the Depthworld and FairFolk Realm, Tesni realizes there are worse things than death. She decides she is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for her sister’s happiness.
The Eldest Sister, my young adult fantasy, is 70,000 words. With a strong and conflicted female protagonist the plot layers themes of sacrifice and undeserved grace. The Eldest Sister will appeal to readers of Lloyd Alexander, Shannon Hale, and Robin McKinley.
I have had two short stories and two poems published in Grasse Roots, the State University of NY literary magazine.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Louise Bates
Val - my college experience was a little unusual. In order to get the advisor I wanted, I had to have an "undeclared" major. So even though I took all the classes that went along with an English major, I didn't technically major in it.
ReplyDeleteDale - thank you so much for your suggestions; I will definitely take them into consideration and use them to make this stronger!
Hey sweetie-- I am on a school computer and my response is typed up on my netbook, which cannot connect to the highly encrypted school WiFi, so I will wait to post the bulk of it until I get home (or tell me if you would rather I hold off for a bit -- I know how disheartening it all can get, I really do).
ReplyDeleteA thought on the college information, though; I have read in different places that if it isn't directly relevant to the book, it should be left out of the query. I recall one agent who said she would rather see no personal information than see information that wasn't directly linked to the book and/or the author's ability to sell it; I'm not sure that the college information is. I doubt very much that just including that info would cause the agent to turn away, but it's something to consider in terms of streamlining things and making them appear as succinct and relevant as possible.
The short stories you should definitely keep in if they were published recently. Because it's the State University's circular, I assume it is widely read and must have strict submissions criteria; both of those factors would be appealing.
Have you checked out QueryShark? Not necessarily to submit your query to them, but to see the type of advice most often given? Ditto Miss Snark; she no longer updates her blog, but the archives are a wealth of query resources. I'll also post what remaining meandering feedback I can offer once I am back at home, with An Internet of My Own :P
~Andrea
Okay, it won't let me post my comment because it is too long. So instead, I will e-mail you my comment, and post a Meg Cabot quote that I found today which I think you are in a perfect position to appreciate. This comes from an excerpt Meg has posted on her website; in it, Mia is lamenting the fact that no publisher wants her novel.
ReplyDeleteRejected again!
Seriously, is the entire publishing world on crack? How can no one want to publish my novel? I mean, I know it's not War and Peace, but I've seen way worse out there. My book is better than that! I mean, at least my book doesn't have spanking sex robots in it or anything.
Maybe if I'd put spanking sex robots in it, someone would want to publish it. But I can't put spanking sex robots in it now. It's too late, and besides, that wouldn't be historically accurate.
Anyway.
That is a fantastic quote - and just about the way I feel sometimes! Not the Great American Novel, but certainly as decent as much of the stuff out there. (Note to self: must consider spanking sex robots for next novel, but only if historically accurate.)
ReplyDeleteThank you again for your response - you are a Gem!
I'm not sure if it ate my comment? Ugh, get thee behind me, blogger!
ReplyDeleteThe guide I used to write my query said that you should put all relevant info about word count and genre in the first lines of the letter, along with a one or two sentence brief summary of the work, to get the agent hooked and keep them reading.
For example, in mine I wrote:
Dear Agent:
I am writing to ask if you will kindly consider my 91,000-word chick-lit novel, Citizen Kate, for your list.
When lowly congressional staffer Kate McKinney finds out that her boss has been taking bribes to push a bill through the House, she exposes him and becomes an overnight media darling, a Norma Rae for the new millennium, standing up for the rights of the people in patent-leather slingbacks.
Then I got into the meat of the story, what's learned, what's at stake, etc.
I would put your second para first because it reads more like that hook, with all the information in it.
But don't take my advice too seriously; yes, I got four or five requests for MSS, but ultimately, I'm still peddling. Sigh.
Good luck, my friend!
Also, a timely post in praise of query letter balance. I do so love THE INTERN.
ReplyDeletehttp://internspills.blogspot.com/2011/03/love-fear-and-pareto-principle.html
Adding in Janet Reid-- posting as Janet Reid, this time, and not as QueryShark. Solid, succinct advice on formatting and trimming the fat off queries/pitches.
ReplyDeletehttp://jetreidliterary.blogspot.com/2011/01/wdc11.html
Bed time . . . best of luck, sweetie! We know you're awesome; I can't wait to see which agent is the first to realise it along with us :)
Connie, I have read so many conflicting things about where to put the "hook," and what the hook really is. Most of the YA authors/agents I have read who have either posted examples of good queries or stated outright what they prefer, tend to have the book description first, followed by the technical details. So that's why I went with that set-up ... but who knows, anymore? At least I did away with the "one sentence opening question hook," which was recommended by a lot of query websites, but when I started looking at actual agents was almost universally met with a groan and eye-roll!
ReplyDeleteAndrea, the links have been fantastic. And I am now a member of the Absolute Write forums, thanks to your push! I am going to iron out the wrinkles of the basic query I showed to you, and then post that on here to see if everybody prefers it!