Query, Revised

Thank you all so much for your words of advice and encouragement. Here, without further ado, is the revised text of The Query:

Dear Agent,

Nobody expected Tesni of Glynbach to be the one to rescue her younger sister from the evil witch - not even Tesni herself. As the eldest of three sisters, born in a land where nobody stepped outside fairy-tale convention, Tesni was supposed to hate Elain, not want to save her. But when weak-chinned Prince Aled cannot rescue his true love, it is Tesni who defies tradition and travels across the land to fulfill the witch’s five impossible tasks. With a few stalwart friends by her side, Tesni quests to collect each of the demanded magical items, seeing much that surprises her, and learning some important truths about herself. In the end, she must decide if love for her sister is enough to make the greatest sacrifice of all - to leave her home and family forever. Can happily-ever-after happen even to an Eldest-of-Three?

The Eldest Sister is my 70,000 word young adult fantasy novel. With a strong and conflicted female protagonist and a plot which highlights sacrifice and undeserved grace, The Eldest Sister is likely to appeal to readers of such authors as Lloyd Alexander, Shannon Hale, and Robin McKinley.

I have had two award-winning short stories and two poems published in the 2003 edition of Grasse Roots, the State University of New York at Canton’s literary magazine.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Louise Ayers

Better, yes or no? Personally, I think it's not only more interesting, but carries more of my authentic "voice," rather than being dull and formal. Does it make you want to read the story?

ETA: Apparently one or two people have tried to leave a comment, but nothing has shown up yet. If you've tried, I didn't delete it! Maybe Blogger just has a bug? Anyway, hopefully if you try again, the comments will go through this time.