Today, the story I want to write is about a mother. A mother who is also a writer. Or a writer who is also a mother? I'm not sure which it has been, but lately, this woman has been realizing that her priorities need to shift, so that she is, in fact, a mother first and a writer second.
This is a hard shift. Writing has always been this woman's passion, ever since she was a very little girl. Her family always recognized that, and worked around it. But somehow, in getting her own family, she has slowly started to realize that children can't recognize that.
She isn't giving up writing. Never that! She's just shifting her priorities around a bit, so that more of her time is spent interacting with her children, and less is spent pursuing her own dreams. Because one's dreams have to change once one has children, don't they? These children are given to us, those of us who are gifted with them, for such a short time, and these early years especially are laying the foundation of who and what they will be as they grow into adults and venture out into the world. That is an awesome responsibility.
So, this story. I'm not sure how it ends. I know how I hope it will end: with the woman becoming both a better mother and a better writer, with the children growing up knowing their parents loved them enough to set aside their own dreams for a time, and with the stories this woman writes becoming richer through her life experiences and sacrifices. (I also hope there might be a theme running through of the husband and wife sacrificing for each other - wife taking on extra so husband can study at times, husband taking on extra so the wife can get some uninterrupted writing time when she needs it.)
The ending? It's murky, but I'm certain it's a happy one. The story? I'm writing it as I live it.
I might not be around the blogosphere/Twitterverse/whatever else as much in these next few months, maybe years. I'll still be here, writing, commenting, posting, just more infrequently, so that it takes less time away from my family. I was starting to turn increasingly to these things as a way to try to get away from my other responsibilities, and it has been made exceedingly plain to me recently that I need to shift my thinking. So I'm trying.
And my question for you today is, if you have a family, how do you balance following your passion and putting your spouse & children first? I'm genuinely curious, because balance is always something I've had a hard time maintaining! I either get sucked dry sacrificing for my family, or I just "put in my time" with them and devote my full attention to my own interests. So any experience you want to share would be greatly appreciated!
I think that as we grow and mature, our priorities must shift. I imagine you'll still jot down notes from time to time, and things will still come to mind, but right now your family needs you more than anything. I commend you for recognizing that need and doing what you feel led to do.
ReplyDeleteLet's face it, none of us are the young, early twentisomethings with very little responsibility and seemingly all the time in the world to focus on our own wants, needs, and whims anymore. I imagine as your family grows up, you'll find yourself with more "you" time. I also believe that your writing will be all the better because of age, wisdom, and continued experience.
I don't have the children yet, but I have striven to try and find that balance. Yes, my writing has suffered and been neglected in most ways, but I know that I'll get back to it some day. Right now at the end of an evening, I'm just not emotionally and mentally there. I've learned that forcing it in what spare time I have is fruitless, and the writing is dull and lifeless because my mind is really on other things or just plain exhausted.
I firmly believe that if you do what you are led to do, then all - family and writing - will benefit in the end.
This is funny, because I feel like the exact opposite most of the time-- that I want to write more, etc, etc, that I need to not forget my own goals in the midst of the family chaos.
ReplyDeleteBut I really think my writing goals are on hold at the moment, for a few years. I'm just making it my goal to write a little, even if just journaling, every day, if only to prove to myself that I am at heart still a Writer. So I guess I AM sort of in the same place. Only sometimes this treading-water thing makes me feel frustrated and impatient. I think the difference is I don't have to make a choice between the writing and the family-- the writing is just Not Happening, period. So I'm holding out hope for a few years down the line...
Adrienne - thanks for the support. I know you (along with Connie and Beautifulmonday) have been praying for me over the last few months as I've fumbled my way to this spot. Yesterday I heard Joy laugh like she hasn't laughed in ages, and suddenly this cutting back on pursuing my own interests didn't seem like such a sacrifice after all.
ReplyDeleteRockinlibrarian - For me, I've been clinging so desperately to the writing that I've lost sight of how much my family really does need me, all of me, not just the tasks and chores I do for them. I know I won't lose the writing altogether, because I don't think there's even an alternate universe in which Louise is not A Writer. So for now, it's okay for me to loosen my grip on it a bit. And yes, the treading-water time is SO hard to endure!
Hi Louise,
ReplyDeleteI think you know from my post yesterday that I am dealing with the same struggle right now. What I admire about this post is that you seem to have made a choice, whereas I tend to waste time hemming and hawing and questioning and wondering.
You've also made me think about how to make the most of the time I do have with my kids when they are so young. Ten years from now am I going to be glad that I chose hanging out on Twitter over really being in the moment with them?
I'm rambling, I fear, but I'm grateful to you for helping me think through my own dilemmas as you deal with your own.
Kristen - thank you so much for your kind words. I've always had a hard time with that "in ten years" way of thinking - for me, I always have a little voice in the back of my head saying "Is being glad in ten years you made the mature and responsible decision worth loads of anguish now?" And of course, there really is no answer to that! For me, it's been about trying to find that place between having joy now, and making the choices that will also pay off in the long run. Which is why I'm only cutting back, not quitting the internet altogether!
ReplyDeleteI can't even express how much I admire your decision and commitment to the present. I love you bunches and will continue to keep you in my fondest thoughts and prayers in this momentous task.
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